The dating doctor diaries


Adam’s diary starts in 2004 when after spending six years studying “every single aspect of the human body’s anatomy and physiology, plus each possible way it can malfunction”, he starts his career as a junior doctor by following a team of medics as they visit each of their patients.“You trail behind like a hypnotised duckling, your head cocked to one side in a caring manner, noting down every pronouncement from your seniors – book an MRI, refer to rheumatology, arrange an ECG,” says Adam.“Essentially you’re a glorified PA.”But while his day shifts were filled with admin the nights were filled with terrors that no amount of training could prepare him for.

At night, while Adam’s seniors worked in A&E, he was up on the wards sailing the ship alone.“A ship that’s enormous and on fire and that no one has really taught you how to sail.

Even when Adam was off duty he felt like he was on. The temperature in the room dropped by about 10 degrees and murder flashed discernibly across Luna’s eyes.”But his experience wasn’t all negative – one diary entry made on January 31, 2005 starts with “saved a life tonight”.

“I remember being in a pizza restaurant with some friends and we were given a device that bleeps when your order is ready. “I was bleeped to see a 68-yearold patient who was as close to death’s door as it’s possible to be."His oxygen saturations – the percentage of oxygen in your blood – were in the 70s when they should be above 90 per cent,” says Adam.“I just started performing action after action on an autopilot mode I didn’t even know I possessed.“Oxygen on, intravenous access, blood tests, blood gases, diuretics, catheter.

A Punjabi translator is passed back and forth between patient and doctor while A&E staff bring Adam up to date.

The patient was bleeding from down below and is a hermaphrodite.

“I told the A&E offi cers that I sincerely doubt this elderly bearded man is part of the intersex community,” says Adam.

Luckily I could confidently announce that it was just the baby’s occipital protuberance, which is a completely normal part of the skull. There it is on your head’ I tell her.”A truly laugh out loud moment involves a Sikh gentleman who doesn’t speak any English forcing Adam to recruit a translator via phone.It appears making the switch from delivering babies (2,000 to be exact) to delivering one-liners has paid off massively for the comedian, whose book This Is Going To Hurt is often laugh-out-loud funny.There was the pregnant woman who came to hospital worried about a large number of painless spots on her tongue (diagnoses: her tastebuds), the new mother who insisted on eating her placenta much to Adam’s disgust and the dad-to-be who, after messing around on a birthing ball, fell off and cracked his skull on the ground.’”After 12 months of perfecting his bedside manner it was time for Adam to choose what he wanted to specialise in.“I chose obstetrics and gynaecology because I liked the thought of ending up with twice the number of patients you started with, which is an unusually good batting average compared to other specialities,” he says.When the device went off I said, ‘Oh my God’ and jumped to my feet."It wasn’t that I was particularly excited about my Fiorentina but the alarm had the exact same pitch and timbre as my hospital bleep.”Then there was the time Adam accidentally revealed the gender of his friend’s baby while looking at a 3D scan at a dinner party.

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